Mel B in quite ludicrously high Jimmy Choo heels

'Mel B in an absurdly tight-fitting dress and quite ludicrously high heels'

SATURDAY, APRIL 17

There was an extraordinarily touching (quite literally) moment during filming Britain's Got Talent auditions this year, when I genuinely thought Amanda Holden had fallen in love with me. It came as we walked backstage after another long day of critiquing dim-witted parrots, waste-expunging horses, topless fire-eaters and spanking Shakespearean recitalists.
Amanda suddenly flung her arms around me, and held them there... and held them there... and held them there some more. We're not just talking a quick hug but a full-on intimate cuddling session that went on for a very long time. The cameras zoomed in but she ignored them, holding me even tighter with an intense look of adoration etched upon her face.
Eventually, I eased myself gently away from her quivering torso with the words, 'Shall we get a room?'
At which point, Amanda burst out laughing and ran off . All very odd, and no explanation was ever forthcoming.
Tonight, the full incident was screened to the nation on Britain's Got More Talent - and the mystery was solved. Amanda was playing a secret game called Holden Holds On (geddit?), in which she had to grab any famous person she could find and cling onto them for dear life until they wrenched her away. I lasted one minute 20 seconds. Simon lasted 16 seconds. A metaphor, I suspect, for everything else we do in life.

THURSDAY, APRIL 22

If you think British ep-red - tops, and trust me easily exaggerated, they don't even close to their American counterparts. Globe magazine reported the story is about camilla parker bowles falling accident in Scotland, walking, her legs.
"Camilla of suicide attempts screaming headlines. Ah!" With an equally sub - heading written: "broken leg in the terrible destruction, as will be named" king...

FRIDAY, APRIL 23

We finished filming three days of America's Got Talent auditions in Manhattan tonight, and had to dash straight to Los Angeles for an NBC press day on Monday. A lengthy late-night journey that was made slightly easier by the mode of transport supplied to us.
We left the Hammerstein Ballroom at 11pm and a fleet of limousines sped Sharon Osbourne, host Nick Cannon (Mr Mariah Carey), new judge Howie Mandel and me to a small airstrip on the outskirts of New York.
Here we jumped on a fabulously luxurious private jet (white cashmere blankets, goose-down pillows, fine French wine, sumptuous leather seats... truly, sickeningly pleasant), arriving in LA five hours later.
Again, a fleet of limos was awaiting us, and within 15 minutes I was in the lift of the Beverly Wilshire hotel heading to my suite. Just to round things o ff, a stunningly attractive young 6ft Naomi Campbell lookalike sashayed into the lift too, and hit the button for a floor a few lower than mine. She looked at me and flashed a smile. 'You're Piers from America's Got Talent, aren't you?'
I nodded.
'I love that show,' she added. Pause. 'And I love you, especially.'
The lift proceeded on its way up, and when we arrived at her floor she held the door open with her absurdly long left leg, Jimmy Choo heels glinting in the light. 'This may sound a little forward of me,' she purred. 'But would you like a drink?'
Warren wouldn't have hesitated, but I'm made of stronger stuff .
'That's very kind of you to o ffer, but I can't, sorry,' I said.
'Shame,' she laughed, 'I'd show you what American talent's all about...'